I love Starbucks. I often stop at Starbucks for a non-fat latte. Yesterday afternoon on my way to the taping of Style By Jury, I stopped at Chapters/Indigo at Hwy 7 and Yonge Street for my daily dose of java. My mind was slightly preoccupied because I had to memorize a few lines for the show.
I walked into Chapters/Indigo and from a distance I heard a muffled voice. It sounded like someone was being lectured. As I approached the Starbucks counter, the voices grew louder and louder.
“What can I get you?” The man at the counter asked. “Can I have a Venti Non-Fat Latte, and a Pumpkin Scone please”? I replied. I open my walled, grabbed my debit card and swiped it through the debit terminal. “You better not do that ever again, do you understand me? Because if you do it one more time, you will be in big trouble?” I leaned forward and tiptoed over the counter to see who was uttering such threatening words and to whom.
My heart sank. I was witnessing a mother of a four year old reprimanding her son for no apparent reason. “You sit there and think about what you just did,” the mother continued, “You are bad boy.” She continued to speak firmly holding his wrist tightly.
I walked to the other side of Starbucks as I stood waiting for my latte. “You wait until you get home,” she muttered. I wanted to walk over to the boy and tell him that his mother was very angry, but not at him. My I eyes swelled with tears. I was so conflicted. I had no power and no authority. I needed to vacate immediately.
My coffee was ready. I added sugar, stirred my coffee, sealed it with a lid and made my way back towards the lady and her son. I glared at the lady, making eye contact with her. I wanted her to feel what her son was feeling. I don’t know if I was successful because I had to leave quickly, not to get myself into any trouble.
For most people situations like this one is where it all begins. When a child cannot express his emotions, or his expression of freedom because it is being crushed by an authoatiative figure in plain public view, not only is it embarrassing for the child but also whatever confidence they did have is being crushed to a pulp and left for others to see.
If you ever wondered why adults have low self-esteem, lack self-worth and don’t know what their dreams are? This is just one example of the many why adults lack confidence and self-worth. Children are meant to be children--to laugh, to play, and to have fun. From these activities they will gain inspiration that is desperately needed. Without inspiration children become soldiers, wondering who they are and where they belong when they grow into adults.
I want you to all know that it is not the mothers fault either. I’m not one to point fingers and put blame on parents. Parents do the best they can raising their children with the tools they were given by their parents. Unfortunately some of those tools are dated and have been proven to do more damage than good.
Master Life Coach, Toronto native Bruno LoGreco
15 comments:
true indeed... I felt sorry for a father yesterday at walmart... His little boy who lookd about 3 yrs old was having a shit fit I dont know the cause as I was outside talking on the phone with my hubby when the man came out... the kids was screaming and kicking and the poor dad was doing his best to calm the kid down... the kid took off running from his dad and back into the store screaming the entire way... people all over were stopping and talking about the man... some felt he should spank the kid other thought he was hurting the kid neither thing was happening ... looked to me like a kid who was either too tired or two hungry and way to little to be a rational human... later I saw the dad pushing the boy in a buggy and the boy was happily jabbering away to his dad...
parenting sucks at times !
Ah, man... ouch.
As a mother and a daughter... ouch.
This makes me want to go hug my kids, RIGHT.NOW. I think I'm going to moll them as soon as they get off the bus and force-feed them cookies and kisses.
Pumpkin scones sound good too.
sorry you had to witness that bruno...must be hard...
What is the ratio - something like seven negative comments to every positive one made to the average child? Sad that bad parenting skills are imprinted from one generation to the next unless someone breaks the chain.
Wow Bruno,
That just brought tears to my eyes.I hate when i have 2 go out to Mall,store, Etc and have to witness stuff like that. It beaks my heart.. I witnessd that so many times and it ruins my day . My day is a right off after seeing that. I know when i take my kid out and he's acting out or anything for that matter. I speak with him and if it continues i'll reprimand him at home not front of everyone ...I've gone hout with friends along with our kids and u see my friends yelling not they are ashamed who's looking at them. I just walk away...
And your right Bruno,
kids has to be a kids Laugh,Play and have fun...
Everything u write it always hits home...Your inspirational !!!
let me try my comment again...maybe the last one got lost...
sorry you had to witness that bruno...wishing you peace.
Hi Laura! Some kids are manipulators and know exactly what to do to get their way, while others are crushed and made to feel insecure for the rest of their lives. I don't think any kid under no circumstances should be yelled at or spanked. There are better ways to dealing with children. However, everyone is entitled to raise their children as they see fit, even if I disagree with the method.
Thanks mona! I have a soft spot for children. I see where many of the problems stem from.
Hi baribabe! welcome to my blog... than you for your comments. :)
Working for an agency that assesses for childhool risk and safety, I see all too often what happens "WHEN WE GET HOME." I am in no way suggesting that all parents inappropriately discipline their kiddos in the privacy of their own home but I am stating that OFTEN, the parents that exhibit so much public aggression and frustration, do more at home.
It's sad. I'm glad you glared at the mom. Perhaps your few seconds of staring at her maybe made her stop and think about the way she was handling her child.
Hallie
"I was witnessing a mother of a four year old reprimanding her son for no apparent reason."
There must be a reason...
Parenting is all about balance. There are times when you have to be loving and there are times when you have to reprimand even in public.
You have to look at the entire picture and not just one incident at a time.
I've seen this so many, many times and like you I choke back tears and carry a ball in my gut for days.
I have a four year old and if I spoke to him this way, I can't imagine how diminished he'd feel. I can't imagine hurting his tiny and fragile ego in such a way. The more we do speak out about these types of scenarios, the more we can help educate and support each other. Thanks for this post.
I wish I would have had someone to tell me that my mothers anger was not all my fault...
Have a good day Bruno.
Thank you for this poignant post, Bruno. You are absolutely correct that no one deserves to be spoken to that way. Children are exceptionally sensitive and do not understand that their parents are not angry with them, and such stimulus is often too strong for anyone to handle, let alone a child. I'm so sorry that you had to witness something like that. I think that parenting must be one of the most difficult jobs that anyone can undertake and certainly comes with plenty of stress, but no one, let alone a child, should be the receiver of such stress. I used to deal with low self-esteem as a child and I know that much of that was the result of constant reprimanding by my teachers and being told that I wasn't good enough. I know now that this was never true, but it would have made my childhood smoother if someone had told me back then that I am good enough and that I'm doing the best I can to make sense of this life and navigate through it.
Oh man- I saw a teacher do something similar, yet much worse to a 4 year old. It was one of the tiny straws that broke the camel's back for me in my decision to homeschool. This boy was always in trouble for something stupid. I was talking with the teacher and he came up so excited to show her a book he brought (a good thing right?) He interrupted (he's 4, they do that) and she said "do not interrupt! What are you stupid or something?" I couldn't believe it. I can't believe that I also did nothing. I just kept picturing my active son being spoken to like that at that age. When he goes out into the world I'm hoping it will be full of confidence!
It is true that the mother probably learned this from her parents and is just carrying on the sad tradition. When I was a freshman studying psych, one of the most basic things we learned is that positive reinforcement is far more likely to influence behavior than negative reinforcement, and yet we seem to see far more finger-pointing and blame in our culture than we see support and praise.
thanks for writing this down bruno, it's one of those issues that really gets to me often enough...
who are the victims and who are the perpetrators? we all carry the scars of past injustices and in doing so we should have all the more reason to be more tolerant and understanding of those we cannot reach or understand too...
sad really...
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