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    Friday, September 26, 2008

    Confidence Crushed In Public View

    I love Starbucks. I often stop at Starbucks for a non-fat latte. Yesterday afternoon on my way to the taping of Style By Jury, I stopped at Chapters/Indigo at Hwy 7 and Yonge Street for my daily dose of java. My mind was slightly preoccupied because I had to memorize a few lines for the show.

    I walked into Chapters/Indigo and from a distance I heard a muffled voice. It sounded like someone was being lectured. As I approached the Starbucks counter, the voices grew louder and louder.

    “What can I get you?” The man at the counter asked. “Can I have a Venti Non-Fat Latte, and a Pumpkin Scone please”? I replied. I open my walled, grabbed my debit card and swiped it through the debit terminal. “You better not do that ever again, do you understand me? Because if you do it one more time, you will be in big trouble?” I leaned forward and tiptoed over the counter to see who was uttering such threatening words and to whom.

    My heart sank. I was witnessing a mother of a four year old reprimanding her son for no apparent reason. “You sit there and think about what you just did,” the mother continued, “You are bad boy.” She continued to speak firmly holding his wrist tightly.

    I walked to the other side of Starbucks as I stood waiting for my latte. “You wait until you get home,” she muttered. I wanted to walk over to the boy and tell him that his mother was very angry, but not at him. My I eyes swelled with tears. I was so conflicted. I had no power and no authority. I needed to vacate immediately.

    My coffee was ready. I added sugar, stirred my coffee, sealed it with a lid and made my way back towards the lady and her son. I glared at the lady, making eye contact with her. I wanted her to feel what her son was feeling. I don’t know if I was successful because I had to leave quickly, not to get myself into any trouble.

    For most people situations like this one is where it all begins. When a child cannot express his emotions, or his expression of freedom because it is being crushed by an authoatiative figure in plain public view, not only is it embarrassing for the child but also whatever confidence they did have is being crushed to a pulp and left for others to see.

    If you ever wondered why adults have low self-esteem, lack self-worth and don’t know what their dreams are? This is just one example of the many why adults lack confidence and self-worth. Children are meant to be children--to laugh, to play, and to have fun. From these activities they will gain inspiration that is desperately needed. Without inspiration children become soldiers, wondering who they are and where they belong when they grow into adults.

    I want you to all know that it is not the mothers fault either. I’m not one to point fingers and put blame on parents. Parents do the best they can raising their children with the tools they were given by their parents. Unfortunately some of those tools are dated and have been proven to do more damage than good.

    Master Life Coach, Toronto native Bruno LoGreco
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    15 comments:

    Laura ~Peach~ said...

    true indeed... I felt sorry for a father yesterday at walmart... His little boy who lookd about 3 yrs old was having a shit fit I dont know the cause as I was outside talking on the phone with my hubby when the man came out... the kids was screaming and kicking and the poor dad was doing his best to calm the kid down... the kid took off running from his dad and back into the store screaming the entire way... people all over were stopping and talking about the man... some felt he should spank the kid other thought he was hurting the kid neither thing was happening ... looked to me like a kid who was either too tired or two hungry and way to little to be a rational human... later I saw the dad pushing the boy in a buggy and the boy was happily jabbering away to his dad...
    parenting sucks at times !

    Sue said...

    Ah, man... ouch.

    As a mother and a daughter... ouch.

    This makes me want to go hug my kids, RIGHT.NOW. I think I'm going to moll them as soon as they get off the bus and force-feed them cookies and kisses.

    Pumpkin scones sound good too.

    Mona said...

    sorry you had to witness that bruno...must be hard...

    Virtual Voyage said...

    What is the ratio - something like seven negative comments to every positive one made to the average child? Sad that bad parenting skills are imprinted from one generation to the next unless someone breaks the chain.

    baribabe said...

    Wow Bruno,

    That just brought tears to my eyes.I hate when i have 2 go out to Mall,store, Etc and have to witness stuff like that. It beaks my heart.. I witnessd that so many times and it ruins my day . My day is a right off after seeing that. I know when i take my kid out and he's acting out or anything for that matter. I speak with him and if it continues i'll reprimand him at home not front of everyone ...I've gone hout with friends along with our kids and u see my friends yelling not they are ashamed who's looking at them. I just walk away...

    And your right Bruno,
    kids has to be a kids Laugh,Play and have fun...


    Everything u write it always hits home...Your inspirational !!!

    Mona said...

    let me try my comment again...maybe the last one got lost...

    sorry you had to witness that bruno...wishing you peace.

    Bruno LoGreco said...

    Hi Laura! Some kids are manipulators and know exactly what to do to get their way, while others are crushed and made to feel insecure for the rest of their lives. I don't think any kid under no circumstances should be yelled at or spanked. There are better ways to dealing with children. However, everyone is entitled to raise their children as they see fit, even if I disagree with the method.

    Thanks mona! I have a soft spot for children. I see where many of the problems stem from.

    Hi baribabe! welcome to my blog... than you for your comments. :)

    Wonderful World of Weiners said...

    Working for an agency that assesses for childhool risk and safety, I see all too often what happens "WHEN WE GET HOME." I am in no way suggesting that all parents inappropriately discipline their kiddos in the privacy of their own home but I am stating that OFTEN, the parents that exhibit so much public aggression and frustration, do more at home.

    It's sad. I'm glad you glared at the mom. Perhaps your few seconds of staring at her maybe made her stop and think about the way she was handling her child.

    Hallie

    chris said...

    "I was witnessing a mother of a four year old reprimanding her son for no apparent reason."

    There must be a reason...

    Parenting is all about balance. There are times when you have to be loving and there are times when you have to reprimand even in public.

    You have to look at the entire picture and not just one incident at a time.

    Tricia said...

    I've seen this so many, many times and like you I choke back tears and carry a ball in my gut for days.

    I have a four year old and if I spoke to him this way, I can't imagine how diminished he'd feel. I can't imagine hurting his tiny and fragile ego in such a way. The more we do speak out about these types of scenarios, the more we can help educate and support each other. Thanks for this post.

    jojo said...

    I wish I would have had someone to tell me that my mothers anger was not all my fault...

    Have a good day Bruno.

    Nature's Secret Whispers said...

    Thank you for this poignant post, Bruno. You are absolutely correct that no one deserves to be spoken to that way. Children are exceptionally sensitive and do not understand that their parents are not angry with them, and such stimulus is often too strong for anyone to handle, let alone a child. I'm so sorry that you had to witness something like that. I think that parenting must be one of the most difficult jobs that anyone can undertake and certainly comes with plenty of stress, but no one, let alone a child, should be the receiver of such stress. I used to deal with low self-esteem as a child and I know that much of that was the result of constant reprimanding by my teachers and being told that I wasn't good enough. I know now that this was never true, but it would have made my childhood smoother if someone had told me back then that I am good enough and that I'm doing the best I can to make sense of this life and navigate through it.

    Lena said...

    Oh man- I saw a teacher do something similar, yet much worse to a 4 year old. It was one of the tiny straws that broke the camel's back for me in my decision to homeschool. This boy was always in trouble for something stupid. I was talking with the teacher and he came up so excited to show her a book he brought (a good thing right?) He interrupted (he's 4, they do that) and she said "do not interrupt! What are you stupid or something?" I couldn't believe it. I can't believe that I also did nothing. I just kept picturing my active son being spoken to like that at that age. When he goes out into the world I'm hoping it will be full of confidence!

    San said...

    It is true that the mother probably learned this from her parents and is just carrying on the sad tradition. When I was a freshman studying psych, one of the most basic things we learned is that positive reinforcement is far more likely to influence behavior than negative reinforcement, and yet we seem to see far more finger-pointing and blame in our culture than we see support and praise.

    bart said...

    thanks for writing this down bruno, it's one of those issues that really gets to me often enough...
    who are the victims and who are the perpetrators? we all carry the scars of past injustices and in doing so we should have all the more reason to be more tolerant and understanding of those we cannot reach or understand too...

    sad really...

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    Ten Powerful Self-Coaching Tips

    By Bruno LoGreco

    Are you living the life of creativity and happiness that you've always dreamed of, or are you allowing your fears or other outside factors to influence you?

    Following the path that your heart's desires requires courage and might require a shift in attitude. There are several methods you can use to act as your own life coach and start working toward the life you dream of.

    Ideas for self-improvement

    You don't need to change every aspect of your life at once in order to improve your attitude and outlook on life. Self-improvement can feel daunting if you try to change everything at once.

    A good way to embark on your journey of self-coaching is to make one change and see what kind of impact it has upon your life. The following tips are designed to help you improve your life and become your own life coach. Try out one of the following tips at a time to positively impact your attitude and daily life.

    1. Find some ‘you' time. Everyone needs time alone to meditate and recharge. You may think you don't have extra time in your day. Start with 10-20 minutes to use for meditation or silent reflection.

    2. Ask yourself what you truly want in life. Are you living your life according to your true dreams and desires? You may be unaware of your desires that lie hidden beneath your surface needs and wants, so take the time to find out.

    3. Write everything down. Even if your thought seems silly, write it down! You may be surprised by the inspiration and ideas you can come up with.

    4. Journal daily, but with a twist. Instead of just writing about today, try writing about yesterday.

    5. Keep track of the "happy moments." Each day has potential for many small moments that bring joy and happiness. If you don't make a special note of them, you may not even recognize the small joys in your day.

    6. Choose one task each night to complete the next day. This way, you have focus, and you accomplish at least one task. Tasking and taxing yourself with effort is important in reaching goals.

    7. Smile when you wake up. Smiling is contagious. By smiling you improve your mood and can potentially improve someone else's day as well.

    8. Give thanks each night. Gratitude will improve your outlook on life and help you see all the good and wonderful moments of your day.

    9. Try something new. A new experience fuels creativity and your enjoyment of the day.

    10. Create at least one memorable moment each day. Make each day unforgettable, even if in a small way!

    Taking the next step with a life coach

    Self-coaching tips are great ideas for helping you improve your life. However, you can take your life to the next level with a life coach and mentor. A professional life coach can help you set goals and help you move forward with your dreams. If you're looking for the right path toward happiness, a life coach can help you discover the path your heart truly desires.

    Want to learn more about self-improvement? Bruno LoGreco is a Life Coach Toronto and mentor. Visit BrunoLoGreco.com and find out how to unleash your potential for success and happiness.

    The Success Indicators on Your Life Path

    Many people seek out a particular goal in their life path and are content when they achieve it. The chance to broaden their horizons or learn new things within an existent structure is not as appealing to them as it is to some others. This is an issue that arises in many individuals because they mistakenly think they have achieved what they wanted to in their lives. The plethora of environmental noise around them begins to infringe upon their goals and forces them to lose sight of what they truly wanted.

    A good way to think of this problem is to envision a large square box. This is not just any box though. Rather, in this case, your box has been divided into three separate, but equally shaped rectangular boxes, all stacked on top of one another. Each of these rectangular boxes is a highly important expression of your life goals -- individual levels of success. Within each of these levels of success is an indicator that tells you how close you are to becoming successful in this area of your life.

    Every area of your life that you identify as a potential path for success can be further divided, containing the many different events and obstacles you will encounter as you strive to reach your goals. Think of each sector of your life as being divided even further, with three new sections within one of the three stacked boxes (sectors). Within each stacked box are three separate sections, divided by dotted lines that make up the life path you will follow. These dotted lines are not the same as the solid lines dividing the sectors -- they are a path that you have envisioned since childhood -- a series of goals and pathways to success that you want to follow.

    As young people, these life paths may not be fully formed. Or they might be crystal clear in our minds--long, straight life paths from the early days of college and adult living to the ultimate goal of success that you have always strived for. You can see exactly what you need to do to reach each success indicator and achieve what you have set out to accomplish. And you probably did just this. After all, your goals as a youth were to be successful in the same way that you saw thousands of others live their lives. You wanted to reach your success indicators and experience the measure of success by which you would measure you life for decades to come.

    However, nothing is ever as simple as we envision it during youth. There are countless factors that interfere with your ability to clearly see those success indicators and life paths to success. These factors, or "Environmental Noise," can be detrimental to even the most focused of individuals. Think of what would happen if you dumped the contents of downtown New York into your box and tried to maintain your focus on those goals. Would you even be able to see your life path anymore?

    Everyone must travel their life path with environmental noise inundating them from all sides. It begins to become cloudy. The dotted lines, our life paths, begin to look like the straight lines and the success indicators start to be confused with any number of different distractions.

    And then something will happen and you will realize that you are in fact nowhere near the original success indicators you set for yourself. Everything has changed and yet you are stuck in a way. You are deep within the center of the middle rectangular box and you have no idea which way to go or how to get back on track. The noise only grows louder and you grow dizzy trying to regain your focus.

    It is in this instant that you must clear the noise and return to the basic, almost instinctive mode of thought you experienced as a child. What did you want from life? Where did you want to go? What do you need to get to that point? What was my life path? All of these questions must be asked without the distractions of the world around you muddying up your thought process. When you can revert to a very simple perspective of the world and only spend time thinking of what you want from life, you can be that much more successful.

    You can succeed in life despite the environmental noise, cruising down your life paths and moving through your rectangles with ease, but oftentimes you need a helping hand to clear away the noise and look at life with fresh eyes. There is nothing wrong with asking for help to weed out these distractions and remove the clutter from your life sectors with a professional life coach.

    Is your life path inundated with environmental noise? Learn how you can lift the noise and begin reestablishing your success indicators today. Visit www.brunologreco.com a Life Coach Toronto today.

    Chapters.ca

    Top 10 Benefits to Journaling

    By Bruno Logreco

    There are countless reasons to maintaining a journal. The top ten benefits of journaling may differ from person to person. However, there seems to be general themes that are attractive in the collective unconscious. Many people are looking to daily entries of their personal experiences to reap some of the following rewards.

    Maintaining a journal is a natural way to exercise the brain. People who make regular entries are taking time to develop writing and communication skills that are very valuable in everyday interactions. This mental exercise also helps to allow your thoughts to flow freely.

    Creativity is a second benefit to consider. This is an important aspect of journaling. The right hemisphere of the brain is associated with visual, imaginative and intuitive facets of thought. When you take time to write, you free the right hemisphere. The ideal entry will be one that puts the inner editor on hold. Thoughts and ideas should flow freely and naturally.

    The uninhibited nature of this form of writing serves a third benefit of developing self awareness. People often create different faces to meet various circumstances. We tend to recreate in distinct situations including the work environment, the community and even when at home.

    The process of keeping a journal helps you recognize the various aspects of your unique personality. The growing self awareness is a powerful force that can lead to even greater benefits in the future. Gaining insight into the self is among the most important aspects to maintaining a journal.

    The fourth benefit is the ability to set priorities. Once you get a grasp on the thoughts and emotions that are filtered through your personal experience, you begin to gain control of them. The process eventually leads to a greater understanding of what is and what is not important.

    The ability to re-see the past is another great benefit of keeping a journal. The pages can be revisited with a fresh perspective. It can be very surprising how much your understanding of an event changes over a relatively short period of time. Some writers find great moments of epiphany when rethinking and rereading entries.

    Journaling is a fantastic problem-solving resource. The approach of using entries to come up with various solutions to troubles is a little different than approaches for self awareness and growth. Many people choose temporary brainstorming techniques that serve to give viable solutions to problems.

    The seventh benefit of journaling is variety. You can choose what kind of entries you want to make. Common choices include brainstorming sessions, automatic writing and reflective notes. Personal journal entries can be made upon inspiration, when you first wake or right before you fall asleep. Some choose to do a combination of these.

    Purging is the eighth benefit to this practice. Many people find it helpful to place negative thoughts and feelings down on paper. Once the negative energy is placed on the page, they are free to let it go. This practice also works well when dealing with anger towards another individual. Purge the negativity and work towards a constructive approach.

    The ability to communicate with others is another benefit of keeping a journal. Those who work with life coaches can find a wealth of resources for sessions. Journaling can help you tap into your fears and dreams, helping your coach gain insight through entries that you choose to share.

    The tenth benefit is improvement in your overall health. Journaling reduces stress. It provides time for you to meditate. The process helps to make the positive forces in your life surface and it helps to bring the harmful elements into light. The result of personal journaling is a new perspective on how you can take control of many aspects of your life.

    Want to learn how online journaling can help you reach goals and problem solve? Learn more about life coach Toronto at brunologreco.com and journaling at iijournal.

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