Most recently I got asked if I provide couples coaching. Can I coach couples to learn to communicate and to establish a new relationship with each other? My answer was “Yes” but I went on to explain that there is a risk that in the end there might not be a relationship. The process and the method I use in couples coaching is almost the same one I use for personal coaching – I teach clients self-awareness and to live authentically, meaning true to one self. To live a truthful and authentic life means being honest with yourself especially when you recognize that you are in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. That's why I split-up couples for the first few sessions.
The couple is split-up so there is no finger pointing during the session – one pointing a finger to the other not owning any responsibility for what they contributed into the relationship. Its easier to coach individuals into seeing what they can't when there isn't somebody else in the room interrupting you only to say, “see, I told you so”, plus they get the freedom to speak candidly, and I make sure I’m a life coach and not a referee.
The benefits couples get when they split-up is endless. It gives them an opportunity to learn about themselves without any judgment coming from the partner. They will be more receptive and engaged in the process and won’t get defensive when faced with the truth.You can’t repair nor change what you won’t accept is broken.
When they aren't busy defending themselves it means they are open to admitting they're part of the problem, which is the first step to identifying the root cause. It’s typically a dominant, self-limiting and sometimes destructive behavior developed from past experiences, which they are not aware of. Through a series of exercises they learn to recognize those negative behavioral patterns and the triggers, and use the awareness to take better decisions, breaking the cycle of negative behavior. With self-awareness, accepting responsibility and taking ownership for self is much easier, and as a result they are better able to communicate with their partner.
After a few individual sessions, the couple is ready to attend their first session together. Both of them will have a sense of awareness and will be held accountable for his or her behavior during the session - No finger pointing only accountability. The session is designed to test the couple and their ability to communicate with one another during a stressful exercise. It tests the couple as they observe there own behavior and emotions. At the end of the exercise they tell each other 5 things they learned about themselves.
The process is a huge eye opener. The couple learns about each other’s behavior. Unfortunately, sometimes what they learn is enough to end the relationship, but in many cases its enough for the couple to begin to develop a new relationship built on a solid foundation, and they do so with the ability to communicate.
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