The Secrets of Self-Confidence

Guest Author: Ivana Pejakovic

The key to success, happiness, and overall life satisfaction is confidence. Those who lack confidence tend to miss out on opportunities that would bring them closer to what they desire.

While some people tend to lack confidence in multiple areas of their lives, others only lack it in one or two situations. We are most likely to lose our self-confidence when trying the new and unfamiliar (when we don’t have a clue as to how things will turn out) or in situations that bring up bad memories (e.g., presenting, meeting new people, etc.).

Self-confidence is not something we are born with; rather it is something we can build on throughout life. Unfortunately, confidence is not something that will automatically add up over time. Our level of confidence is influenced by our upbringing and it is dependent on how determined we are as adults to overcome our fears and build on our abilities.

Here are 6 steps you can take on a daily basis to help boost your confidence levels.



Self-awareness: Being aware of your thoughts, feelings, attitude, and behaviour is an important part of building self-confidence. Knowing what makes you nervous or uncomfortable is the first step to gaining the confidence to overcome the fear.

Self-acceptance: After you become aware of yourself and of the situations that bring you discomfort, it is important you accept yourself as you are. This doesn’t mean you’re accepting the situation for what it is and you aren’t willing to change it. It’s simply an acknowledgment that you aren’t perfect. Once you can accept this, you can free your mind from negativity and you are able to start working towards improving the areas you wish.

Eliminating False Beliefs: Chances are you hold beliefs about yourself that aren’t true. These beliefs hold you back from trying new things and as a result further deteriorate your confidence level. Challenge what you believe about your abilities and about what you deserve through everyday action. As you start showing yourself that you CAN accomplish things, you will start breaking down the false beliefs and building your confidence.

Positive Self-talk: Do you have a habit of putting yourself down? To build self-confidence, you absolutely must speak to yourself with respect and faith. Even when you’re not sure of how things will turn out, you need to speak to yourself in a positive, encouraging, and loyal manner.

Taking Responsibility: Everything that happens in your life is a result of how you thought and of what you did. At times, it is difficult to connect your role to an unfavourable or favourable outcome; however, with enough analysis you’ll be able to connect the dots. The purpose of taking responsibility of what happens in your life is not to blame yourself, but to gain a sense of control over yourself. Control means you have the power over how you behave and think. Knowing how much control you have over yourself in any situation automatically boosts self-confidence.

Keep Trying the New: There is no better way to build confidence than to try something new each day. You don’t have to start with major things, however if you try something new each day, over time you will notice you’ve become more daring. The trick of course is to be proactive in your life and search for new things you can experience.

Join me and our resident experts on Twitter for a live discussion of confidence and fear; Thursday, June 2nd at 4PM EST #AskTheCoach

Bruno LoGreco Master Life Coach, Author & Speaker

The Secrets of Self-Confidence

Conquering Fear

Are you afraid to try new things? Or do you make a few tentative steps then give up before you’ve had a chance to really begin? Have you ever stopped to ask yourself why? Is it to avoid failure or rejection? Do you feel the new task is too difficult, or you lack the required skill set? Is it a few steps too far out of your comfort zone? Are you concerned that others will point their fingers of judgment at your efforts?

If you answered yes to any of these responses, then shame on you. You’re justifying your fear with yet another Pyramid of Failure. They are not answers; they are excuses. There is only one correct response: you simply lack the confidence. You are accepting defeat and confirming the false belief that you are not good enough and reinforcing your negative self-defeating behaviours. When you lack self-confidence you allow fear to dominate your life and you miss out on many opportunities.

Fear feeds on itself, preventing you from completing many tasks. You begin to avoid situations where you will be forced to confront your fear, and experience a deceptive sense of relief. Sometimes new fears begin to emerge creating new restrictions and new situations to avoid. These behaviours further weaken your confidence, and strengthen your feelings of emptiness and regret. Accepting defeat without trying is one of the worst types of failure.

Don’t waste your energy giving strength to fear; focus it on rebuilding your self confidence and by trying things you have never tried before. It is always a challenge to do new things in life and just the act of accepting these challenges increases your conviction and lays the groundwork for renewed confidence and courage. Don't let fear stop you from enjoying life. Set a course to learn why you are afraid, and commit to learning the root cause of your fright so you can challenge and overcome it.

How to conquer fear before it conquers you:

1. Acknowledge the fear.

2. Recognize that the fear is irrational and poses no danger.

3. Ask yourself what would happen if you complete the task despite the fear.

4. Set a date for completion.

5. Visualize yourself completing the task.

6. On the date set make sure you complete the task.

7. In your journal, write down what you learned from the experience.

8. Read back what you wrote and refer to it often.

Bruno LoGreco Master Life Coach Toronto, Author & Speaker

Conquering Fear

If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first,
and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more,
and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting
and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch,
and watch with my eyes.
I would care to know less,
and learn to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious,
and seriously play.
I would run through more fields
and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tagging.
I'd see the oak tree
in the acorn more often.
I would be firm less often
and affirm much more.
I'd model less about the love of power,
and more about the power of love.

Author: Diane Lootmons

If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

Giving life, reclaiming my own

Guest Author: Marci Warhaft-Nadler

I knew when I became pregnant with my son, that I would love him and do whatever it took to make sure that he would be safe and happy. What I didn’t expect, was how becoming his mother would also make me take care of myself for the first time in my life.

Growing up, I was a very confident, outgoing little girl. It wasn’t until I turned 17 that my life took a drastic turn. My brother Billy, who was just the coolest and most handsome big brother in the entire world, had become ill. His illness took him from me when he was just 21 years old. I was shattered. Feeling like I had lost complete control over what was going on around me, I turned my control inwards. I started starving myself.

It was easier to cope with the pain from an empty stomach than the pain of accepting my brother was gone. He had always found a way to make me feel special. With him, I felt pretty, funny and smart. Without him, I felt none of those things. Thinking I would never be good enough I tried instead to be THIN enough. As any anorexic can tell you, thin enough just doesn’t exist.

There were moments when I felt stronger and promised I’d take care of myself, but the strength never lasted.

When I met my husband I believed that marriage would solve everything, I had a man who loved me unconditionally, surely that would be enough. Unfortunately, his love and acceptance for me wasn’t enough to bring out my own. My battle with self-esteem and body image continued, until a couple of years later, when my child saved my life.

As soon as my husband and I started discussing having a baby, something changed in me. It was as if I knew what had to be done and was prepared to do it. I needed to get my body as healthy as I could, so my child would be okay. Amazingly, when my doctor told me that carrying a little extra weight would make conceiving easier, I slowed my workouts and upped my calories. It didn’t take long before I was pregnant with my son. For the first time in my life, I felt EMPOWERED. I was someone’s mom and he was depending on me to make intelligent, responsible choices for him and for myself.
I watched my belly grow and my hips widen and I felt beautiful, for the first time in a very long time; beautiful and strong.

Halfway through the pregnancy, life sucker punched me once again, with some news I was not expecting. My mom, who had battled and beaten Cancer throughout her life, had lost her last battle. I had never imagined becoming a mother without having my own to share the experience with. I was devastated. My family was worried. Their concern was that this incredible loss was going to send me right back into the madness of my eating disorder. But I knew differently.

I was a mom now. I owed it to my child, to my own mother and to myself, to continue on the path of self-acceptance I had started when my motherhood journey first began. The greatest tribute I could give my mother was to take everything I had learned from her and help it make me the most loving parent I could be.That love had to start with myself.

When I became my son’s mother, I also became a friend to myself. From a girl who never felt skinny enough, to a woman who loves her curves.

Motherhood changed me because I’ve stopped worrying about what I’m NOT and feel blessed for who I AM.

Interested in more information? Join Marci and me on Twitter for a live discussion on Body Image; Thursday 4PM EST #AskTheCoach

Bruno LoGreco life coach, author & speaker

Giving life, reclaiming my own

Body Image Dissatisfaction in Midlife Women

Body image can be defined as one’s evaluation of or feelings towards one’s body. Although body image and body dissatisfaction was long thought to be an ailment of teenage girls, body image issues are now becoming more apparent in midlife women (Lewis & Cachelin, 2001).

According to Lewis and Cachelin, the current social pressures and concerns with ageing, the belief that slim physiques result in youthful looks, and the unrealistic expectation for middle-aged women to retain their youthful appearance are significant contributors to the development of body image issues in older women. Even magazines aimed at midlife women typically show younger women on their covers and in the fashion and beauty sections. The magazines that do use older women show them to be 15 years younger, as signs of age are airbrushed (Nett, 1991). As such it is getting harder for ageing women to feel comfortable in their bodies.

The question that remains is why do middle-aged women use younger women as a reference point? Below are 3 explanations.

1. Social Comparison: Today’s beauty standard is based on the young women found in the media. Thus, women compare themselves to these standards to evaluate their level of attractiveness. Although, one would expect older women to be less likely to identify with females 30 or more years younger than them due to differences in lifestyle, maturity levels and inevitable body changes that occur with age, research shows that women of all ages compare themselves to the models portrayed in the media (Lin & Kulik, 2002; Tiggemann & McGill, 2004; Hawkins, Richards, Granley, & Stein; 2004).

2. Individual Thin Ideal Internalization: Thin ideal internalization happens when a person absorbs the attitude approved by those around them such as, the family, peers, and the media. McLaren, Kuh, Hardy and Gauvin (2004) looked at the effects of body-related comments that middle-aged women, 54 years of age, could recall throughout their life. They found that women absorb the opinions of family members and the impact of social feedback on body-esteem is not restricted to younger females. Negative comments received in adulthood by significant others, such as, life partners, have similar effects on body dissatisfaction.

3. Thin-Ideal as a Predictor of Success: Women experience a great deal of external pressures, to be thin, particularly, when other benefits of being thin are praised to her. Studies found that attractive people are perceived to possess more desirable traits and positive life outcomes than less attractive people (Eagly, Ashmore, Makhijani, & Longo, 1991). According to Harrison (1997) this cultural belief that physical attractiveness is key to life success is why older women compare themselves to thin ideals and why they are dissatisfied with their less than perfect bodies. Because the majority of women in their midlife do not look like the successful looking models, they may feel they are also lacking in other areas of life which create negative feelings about the self.

Interested in more information? Join me on Twitter for a live discussion of body image issues; Thursday 4PM EST #AskTheCoach

This is YOUR time to choose to how you perceive and think about yourself! Life Choices - Yours to Make!

Bruno LoGreco, Life Coach Toronto

Reference:

Eagly, A. H., Ashmore, R. D., Makhijani, M. G., & Longo, L. C. (1991). What is beautiful is good, but…: a meta-analytic review of research on the physical attractiveness stereotype. Psychological Bulletin, 110, 109-128. Lewis, D. M., & Cachelin, F. M. (2001). Body image, body dissatisfaction, and eating attitudes in midlife and elderly women. Eating Disorders, 9, 29- 39. Nett, E. M. (1991). Is there life after fifty? Images of middle age for women in Chatelaine Magazine, 1984. Journal of Women and Aging, 3, 93-115. Lin, L. F., & Kulik, J. A. (2002). Social Comparison and women’s body dissatisfaction. Basic and Applied Social Psychology, 24, 115-123. Hawkins, N., Richards, P. S., Granley, H. M., & Stein, D. M. (2004). The impact of exposure to the thin-ideal media image on women. Eating Disorders, 12, 35-50. Tiggemann, M., & McGill, B. (2004). The role of social comparison in the effect of magazine advertisements on women’s mood and body dissatisfaction. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 23, 23-44. McLaren, L., Kuh, D., Hardy, R., Gauvin, L. (2004). Positive and negative body-related comments and their relationship with body dissatisfaction in middle-aged women. Psychology and Health, 19, 261-272.

Body Image Dissatisfaction in Midlife Women