Do you ever notice when someone does something, or even says something, whether it was for professional or for personal reasons, and then they feel the need to explain why they did it? Why do you think people do that, why do you think they have a need to defend their actions?
Image for a moment being told that you’re always ‘wrong’, or that there is a better way to do whatever it is you are doing, or being told that you are capable of producing so much more. Perhaps you were that kid that never could please your immediate influencers, no matter what you did or how hard you tried it was just never good enough.
How do you think you would act as an adult if you never heard, “good job, I knew you could do it” or “excellent job, I bet that was hard” Or any other positive comment during your early developmental years?
Now imagine yourself as an adult trying to prove your self-worth and every decision you make. Every step you take is calculated for success with the expectation that someone will take notice and validate your actions. And when somebody does take notice, you quickly guard yourself and become defensive to any comment – You are tired of being told there is a better way, or that it’s not good enough, so before anybody could comment, you defend your actions and thought process leaving no room for learning. Constructive criticism to you is an insult. Even if there is a compliment in anything you here it becomes impossible for you to accept it.
How can a person whom seeks validation turn his or her head when they finally do hear a compliment, you might ask? Well, think about it for a few seconds, if you are not use to hearing compliments or any positive reinforcement and have been trained to defend your every action from childhood, your brain will be busy modulating a defense statement that when a compliment is spoken, it doesn’t register and if it does register you say, “Really”
A little insecure you might be thinking, but that’s exactly what happens when there is lack of positive reinforcement in a child’s life. Tough love, although once believed to be exactly what children needed, is a confidence killer. What is required is a balance of love and more love, for there is a good chance to believe children growing up feeling the need to prove his or her self will lack confidence and become insecure in their decision making ability as adults.
Take a step back the next time you are about to defend something you did, said, or produced and ask yourself:
Now imagine yourself as an adult trying to prove your self-worth and every decision you make. Every step you take is calculated for success with the expectation that someone will take notice and validate your actions. And when somebody does take notice, you quickly guard yourself and become defensive to any comment – You are tired of being told there is a better way, or that it’s not good enough, so before anybody could comment, you defend your actions and thought process leaving no room for learning. Constructive criticism to you is an insult. Even if there is a compliment in anything you here it becomes impossible for you to accept it.
How can a person whom seeks validation turn his or her head when they finally do hear a compliment, you might ask? Well, think about it for a few seconds, if you are not use to hearing compliments or any positive reinforcement and have been trained to defend your every action from childhood, your brain will be busy modulating a defense statement that when a compliment is spoken, it doesn’t register and if it does register you say, “Really”
A little insecure you might be thinking, but that’s exactly what happens when there is lack of positive reinforcement in a child’s life. Tough love, although once believed to be exactly what children needed, is a confidence killer. What is required is a balance of love and more love, for there is a good chance to believe children growing up feeling the need to prove his or her self will lack confidence and become insecure in their decision making ability as adults.
Take a step back the next time you are about to defend something you did, said, or produced and ask yourself:
- Did I do the best possible job?
- Is there an opportunity to learn?
- Am I open for constructive criticism?
- From where and whom would the learning and constructive criticism come from?
- What is my expectation of myself?
- What is my expectation from others?
- Does the other person know what I expect of them?
3 comments:
I see myself in this post.
I also see my daughter, and I see exactly what path I need to stay on to AVOID the insecure future that could happen if I were to follow directly in my own parents' footsteps.
The stepping back is a tricky one to remember, especially if strong emotions are triggered. It's easy to hear the voice of a critic as the voice of someone from the past.
I think many can relate to this post - Don't follow too closely though - :) Thank Sue
It is very tricky to be able to take a step back, especially if the automatic reaction is to defend. Only with awareness can someone take a step back and observe the behavior. Thanks San!!
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