Terrorized by Fear

Can you stop your ego from going off the deep end, even when you are at a state of awareness?

I was up bright and early this morning, no different than most mornings. I roll out of bed, put myself together, I make my morning espresso, writes some thoughts into iijournal, and then get ready to head to the gym. I walk to the door, put my shoes on, grab my keys, wallet, and head towards the front door. But this morning when I went for my wallet, it wasn’t there. NO WAY! That’s impossible, I shouted. There is no way I lost my wallet. My mind took off tracing back every step I took after getting off the GO-Bus yesterday afternoon in Richmond Hill. The only possible place I could have left my wallet is in the car. I grabbed my car keys and made a mad dash to the front door and to my car. I quickly unlocked the car doors and jumped in to check the console, no wallet. I looked under both front seats, and the back seats. No wallet.

Oh I hear all the thing I could be doing right now; I could slam the console, that will make me feel better, I could smash the stick shift and hope it breaks, that will make me feel better sooo good--oh I better not, that’s expensive. Ok slam the front door—No, I don’t want to do that either. (Caught you, I could hear you by the way--I’m aware of what a good sensation the ego would feel for reacting to my misfortune this morning. I’m just going to sit hear and listen). Keep in mind I was anxious two days ago about giving my speech at the Peace Festival. I run back to my apartment and look under the couch, under my bed, in the jacket pocket, in my pant pocket, from the pants I wore yesterday at the festival. I even checked the hamper. No wallet. Watch this—I start throwing things around, no way, not again (I don’t want to get hurt so please don’t punch the wall), I just threw my last wallet in the garbage less than two years ago.

I tell myself to calm down, took me a while to intervene but I wanted to see how far I would let myself go. It’s really funny watching yourself react. When I finally did listen to the Self, I calmed down because I was aware that I was watching myself, and my emotions, as I was reacting. Then I took a few minutes to breath and to become present, in the moment so I could stop tracing back my steps, which recalls the images of my past experiences. Now the reality of my last 30 minutes are blinded by my emotions and anger, so I knew that everything I had just gone through and traced back, were just illusions of what I really saw. I saw what I wanted to see, not what I should have seen.

I took a few more minutes to get my mind completely off tracing my steps and began moving forward. I sat down and remembered that Visa had sent me a replacement card last week, and that I had not activated it yet. I looked in my file and bingo, there was a new Visa card that required activation and as soon as I activate the new card, the old card would automatically become VOID. I only have one credit card. Done! I then called Visa just to be sure the old card was cancelled. The old card indeed was canceled. So the only real down fall to me losing my wallet this morning is the wallet itself. Oh well, each come easy go, I’ll buy a new one. Out with the old, in with the new is my mantra anyway. That put a smile on my face. At that point I decided to go back to my bedroom and look in the jacket pocket one more time. I put my hands into the front pockets, and nothing. I put my hands into the side pockets, and nothing. Then I took a closer look at the jacket I had just checked twice. Me, told me to look carefully, become present and aware. Long and behold the reason why I didn’t find my wallet in the jacket is because I was checking the wrong jacket. It wasn’t until I was aware and in the moment that I really saw what was there in front of me and not the images I wanted to see which are all the images I put there in the last thirty-minutes. A few jackets to the right, is were the jacket I was wearing yesterday is hanging. I put my hand into the inside pocket and presto, out come the wallet.


Even when I thought I was aware, the ego took me again without my knowledge and started playing back what I wanted to see. What I wanted to see is no wallet so that the ego can go off the deep end again and feel good and get stronger again. I became aware of my space and when I did, everything in the closet went into slow motion, allowing me to see every inch of detail in that closet, and that is when I saw the jacket I was looking in was not the jacket I was wearing.

Yesterday at the Peace by PEACE festival, my ego took another significant blow. I took a digital recorder with me to record my speech, in order for me to play it back and learn from it. Early in the day, I put the recorder in my jacket pocket because my pant pockets were full. Just before the speeches began, I reminded myself about the recorder and to go get it. That’s when I began to say to myself, “Ah, you don’t need it, who cares, you don’t want to know how you sound anyway. If you suck then you won’t have anything to remind you. Leave it alone.” I struggled with the idea of the recorder for about five minutes. I finally came to my senses and walked over to my jacket and grabbed the recorder. I pressed the record button as my name was being announced. “And here to speak, Bruno LoGreco.” I walked up to the podium and I could hear my heart, it was beating a mile a minute. Sweat pored down my forehead as the MC handed me the microphone. I quickly started. “ I have a secret… Do you guys want me to share me secret with you?” The room erupted with a yes, I continued, “I’m scared, I’m really afraid of being here right now, but I know that If I’m open and honest with you about how I’m feeling inside, It will go away. See, I’m starting to feel better already.” I don’t know if they thought I was kidding or not, but I wasn’t. (Our little secret) I had no notes, no cheat sheet, nothing, it was do or die for me. Within a minute of being on stage I quickly relaxed and engaged the audience and asked them questions, had some of the kids answering into the microphone. I was not thrown off. Except some how I mixed up the order of two areas I wanted to talk about. But I recovered and I didn’t even flinch when I did realize I mixed the order of the speech up. I did deliver the speech and every component of it.

The feedback thus far has been great – I did listen to the recorder and it sounds ok to me. I didn’t use hum and and and, but I did have one too many “Right.” I learned something about myself yesterday. I could speak in front of large crowds and I shouldn’t be afraid of speaking. I believed I could not present, I’ve never presented in my life, so how could I be afraid? Yesterday gave me enough confidence in myself to contact Breakfast Television to be a guest on the show.

Like I said, my ego took another blow yesterday and as a result, it now has one less fear it can terrorize me with.

Life Choices – Yours To Make
Bruno LoGreco

Terrorized by Fear