By: Ivana Pejakovic Author of: Taking Responsibility For Your Action
There is a reason the self-help industry is booming with success. It thrives due to our lack of success! We are thirsty for self-change and are constantly on the lookout for a new solution to improve our image, appearance, worth, and overall station in life. Our problem is that most of our attempts to change ourselves end up failing (whether we use the latest program available or try to change ourselves on our own). For example, how many times have you tried to lose those last 10lbs. and were able to keep them off? How many times have you tried to quit smoking and haven’t been able to yet? Have you kept your usual New Year’s resolution to go to the gym three times per week?
Our bigger problem is, once we fail, we do not take time to properly evaluate the reason for our lack of success. Typically, we attribute our failure to external factors, such as, the ineffectiveness of the self-change program we used, social distractions, work, the weather, the kids, the husband or wife, etc. Once we believe we have pinpointed the reason we failed, we quickly move on to purchase or create a new self-change program, and start all over again. If this program does not succeed, no problem, we come across the next available program and make a resolution to try again, and again, and again.
The lack of proper evaluation of what caused our failure sets us up for another disappointment as we fail to identify the root cause of the repeated negative outcomes. As a result, we set ourselves up for failure each time we make a new resolution to change.
Since we are all, however, responsible for the outcomes we experience, the reason we fail is usually internal; something we personally do to interfere with our ability to succeed. What are the things we do that set us up for failure? Based on my many personal failures to change myself and observations of those around me, I’ve come up with six reasons I believe we tend to be unsuccessful in achieving many of our self-change goals.
1.UNCLEAR or VAGUE GOALS. In order to get to where we want, we must clearly define our destination. We must invest time to understand where we want to go and what we want to do. If we don’t know where we are going, any path will take us there.
2.IMPATIENCE. We want change immediately! Once we have a rough idea of what we want to change or achieve, we demand for change to occur now. Self-change, however, tends not work like that. Self-change, meet your long lost brother Mr. Snail. We must continually work in order to change our beliefs, our negative habits, and our attitudes. This takes time, it does not occur over night. It requires patience, self-confidence, and self-acceptance. If we do not accept ourselves as we are (weaknesses and all) we will have a tough time reaching our goal without getting discouraged and we’ll just give up before we even see any progress.
3.FALSE PERCEPTION of the effort required to succeed. At the time of our resolution to change we are so energized and hyped up over our new commitment that we mistakenly assume the change will be easy. We do not fully understand or consider the day-to-day effort that will be required to achieve our goal (in addition to those other day-to-day things we have to do). Self-change (identifying false beliefs or negative behaviour, forming new beliefs or positive behaviour, and implementing the newly formed ideas into our daily living) does not happen effortlessly; it requires serious work, commitment, and persistence. The reward, however, when a goal is based on our internal values is invaluable.
4.Unrealistic QUANTITY-to-TIME ratio. It is simple and desirable to assume that the big change we want to see will come in little or no time. Upon realizing that it will take a little longer to achieve the desired goal, we tend to get discouraged and quit. The time it will take to see change is relative to the size of the goal we have set for ourselves. For example, losing 10lbs will take a shorter amount of time than losing 50lbs. Becoming the CEO of the #1 company in the world will take a little longer than becoming the mailroom manager. While both are worthy goals, we must keep in mind that not all goals can be achieved in the same or a short amount of time.
5.BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. Once we make the resolution to change, we have strong confidence in our ability to succeed. It doesn’t take long however, for this initial faith in ourselves to wane. Once we start working toward our goal, we start getting discouraged by the slow progress and the amount of work required to succeed. In addition, we start questioning our ability to succeed. Guess what? If we don’t think we can succeed, then we will NOT succeed. We’ll give up before we see any results only to confirm our thoughts about our inability to achieve our goal (self-fulfilling prophecy). When we fail, we’ll say to ourselves “See, I knew I would not be successful.”
6.MISPERCEIVED BENEFITS. Why do we want to change ourselves? Do, we seek self-change in order to attract the right partner? Do we try to pursue a more prestigious career because we will obtain the validation we seek from our friends and family? These types of self-change are propelled by the wrong reasons. We want to attain something that is outside of our control. How can we be sure that self-change will attract the RIGHT partner? How do we know that our family and friends will gives us the validation we seek based on our career choices? The disappointment will soon set in when we realize the response we were hoping for does not materialize. If we decide to change ourselves, than it only makes sense to use an internal guideline of what we want to become. Changing ourselves for another’s benefit is a recipe for unhappiness and overall disaster.
The six factors listed above will greatly impact the probability of a successful self-change. The most important thing to understand is that these causes are internal to us and therefore, controllable. It is our lack of goal clarity, our impatience, our false perceptions, our lack of faith in ourselves, our unrealistic expectations, and our misperceived benefits that cause the negative results. No problem! With a little extra work these can be changed.
Keep in mind that we are accountable for our own behaviour. This includes successful self-change and a lack of self-change. No one or no thing can stop us from being the person we truly want to be, other than ourselves. To succeed at any self-change attempt, we need to come up with a clear picture of what we want to achieve. We need to be prepared to put in the required amount of effort for as long as it is necessary, that is, until we achieve our goal. Patience, persistence, self-acceptance, and determination are important. If we are to achieve our goal and maintain the result, we need to keep working at it.
So, before you run out to purchase that fantastic new self-change program, think about why your last attempts at self-change were unsuccessful. If the problem came from the inside, than how can you expect a solution from the outside to be effective? Would you use a band-aid on your car’s hood when the engine breaks down? Of course not, since the problem is deeper and more complex than that. If the band-aid solution will not work for the car, it will most definitely not work for you.
EXCERCISE
Get a pen and paper to record your answers.
Past Failures:
1.Pick 3 different types of self-change you attempted in the last year in which you were not successful.
2.For each type of self-change list as many reasons for your failure that you can think of.
3.Review your list. Are the majority of the reason’s you listed external to you (e.g. social distractions, kids, work, etc.). Remember that you are accountable for all your outcomes!
4.Go through the list again and think about what you personally did or did not do that caused the failure.
5.Consider the things you did or did not do that caused you to fail (unrealistic expectations, misperceived benefits, etc. ). If you were to eliminate these internal factors, would you have been likely to succeed? What would have been different?
Past Success:
1.Pick 3 different types of self-change you attempted in the last year in which you were successful.
2.For each type of self-change list as many reasons for your success that you can think of.
3.Review your list. Are the majority of the reason’s you listed external to you (e.g. social distractions, kids, work, etc.). Remember that you are accountable for all your outcomes!
4.Go through the list again and think about what you personally did or did not do that caused the success. Give proper credit to where it belongs!
5.Consider the things you did or did not do that caused you to succeed. If you were to eliminate these internal factors, would you have still been likely to succeed?
Future Attempts:
1.What about your next self-change attempt? How will you prepare yourself so that you do not fail?
2.The next time you make a resolution to change something about yourself, review the list above. Look at what contributed to your successes and what contributed to your failures.
3.Make a plan for yourself. Go through each of the 6 factors listed in the article and make note of your thoughts. Based on what you have learned from my article, are you setting yourself up for another failure?
4.What can you do to ensure future success?
If at first you don't succeed...
